A rocky place

the ten-year-old in me couldn't stop giggling

On a walk last night at sunset I nearly stepped on these two horny toads having sex. Horny toads having sex. Heh heh heh.

Springy

African daisies and the chinaberry tree. There's a Giant Swallowtail in the tree...will put a zoomed picture in the blog soon.

Joy

Bird of paradise

Bright blue sky

It's drying up here, the monsoon seems to be ending. The sky is clear and bright again. We went on a hike early Saturday morning. The sky was so blue! I love the crisp angle of autumn light.

38.5 weeks. We have an eviction date set for October 4th if the tenant doesn't vacate before then. I had a lot of menstrual type back pain last week, and painful cramping, but it seems to have stopped. My mom had both me and my bro on our due dates, so no reason to think that the pup will be born any sooner than expected. But we're ready and excited and so eager to meet him/her.

To distract me...please share your favorite outfit/look (hair, makeup, clothes) when you were 15. Love to know these things.. Will share mine later. Also, "how did your labor start" stories are always welcome. Thanks.

Birds

I have a thing about birds, as I might have mentioned. They tend to present themselves at significant times in symbolic ways though surely I'm looking, as always, for meaning.

My usual worry about losing S has extending to worrying about losing our baby, and about protecting this little family. I try to practice some detachment, to remind myself that my job is to let go of this child, to let him/her find his/her way in the world. I can protect my child the best I can when s/he's young, and teach him/her what I can, and that's it. Letting go is so hard, already, and I've not even met this child yet.

Last week there was a fledgling dove in front of our house, in the desert hibiscus. The mom was right next to the babe, sitting calmly. When I was near, she flew away. So it's not like she was (or should have been) risking her life irrationally to protect her young. She just stood by. When I returned to the car, the baby scurried away from the bush into the middle of the street. The mom followed and sat next to the baby. I approached the birds and again the mom flew away, and the baby went back to the sidewalk. I try not to interfere too much with critters' lives, but the middle of the road just didn't seem the best place for the baby.

Later that day, the pair were settled on a rock set far back from the street. I liked their camouflage, and they seemed safe there, though of course my mind ran to cats, to raptors. All the mom could do is sit near her baby until s/he was able to fly. The baby startled when we opened the car door that evening and flapped its way underneath a prickly pear, which seemed a brilliant choice. Predators wouldn't be able to get in.

I haven't seen them since Friday night, and I'm trying to tell myself that it's okay. I don't know that the baby made it, but it's okay not to know. Birds everywhere learn to fly. Some are killed by cars and hawks and cats, I realize. But it's true that some make it, some fly and grow up and protect babies of their own. Loss is part of life, and I try to remind myself of that. But I also have to remember that some stories have happy endings. Sometimes we get what we want.

Eight butterflies

The passiflora in our front yard starting coming back these past couple rainy months, and the butterflies are happy. There were eight butterflies this morning when I went outside, orange Gulf fritillaries.

More questions

1) What should I pack in our hospital bag? I'm thinking: clothes for me (yoga pants, tank w/built in bra) for post-delivery and going home, maybe 2 outfits...lip balm, makeup, various toiletries...cell phone, address book...magazines/books....snacks for both of us....Recharge or other sports drink kinda thing. Gum. Going home outfit for the puppy. Boom box and cds. Anything else???

2) Anyone NOT have a really hellish time with nursing? I have heard how hard it usually is, and am trying to prepare myself for that mentally, but for balance, would love to know of some "wasn't so bad" or "was pretty easy/painless" stories, too.

Clouds from a couple days ago, prestorm. I love the bright light at the edge.

Snakes in the Rain

I turned 38 yesterday, putting me more solidly in the advanced maternal age category.

Twas a great birthday indeed. Saturday night we rode bikes downtown for dinner

Yesterday we had the desert picnic. It had been a rainy afternoon, and we weren't sure it'd clear up enough to picnic, but it did, and the sunset was amazing. There are no filters used in the pics below. S stopped inches in front of a very well camouflaged rattler (pic below) on our walk out to our spot. I was behind him, in flip flops. We forgot our flashlight, so the walk back to the car afterward was very, very cautious, with S in the lead, shuffling his feet (wisely clad in hiking boots) loudly, kicking rocks and dirt, and me close behind in my flip flops. Lesson learned. It's been a while since we've seen a rattler, and you get complacent...

Here's my post from exactly a year ago. On my bday weekend I finally started miscarrying the failed pregnancy that wouldn't go away. I had a happy day anyway, though, which is something. Of course the posts over the next week aren't so cheery or hopeful. I guess it's a good reminder for me that feelings change quickly in both directions.

Things that are blooming right now